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she's · no · saint
but she'll take you to your knees
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I think I've decided to just accept others and their decisions. I wish I had done this years ago, then maybe I would have kept a certain friendship on track. Some of the lessons I have learned in life have taken me YEARS, and for this; I'm sorry. What matters is that the past is just that, and I can only move forward. BUT, still I have my own curiosities. Why do you let people that have obviously hurt you still linger in your life? Someone that turned their back on you and literally have said that they don't have time to fix something that they have neglected (best friends means....?). Please, pour more salt in the wound. Ok, so I don't see you on a daily basis. Hell, not even on a weekly basis. I'd like to think that different lifestyles and different priorities couldn't get in the way of a strong friendship, but it does have it's burden. I'm not going to apologize for growing up. ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- --------- I don't know, man. I feel like changing the way I interact with certain friends have displayed some true colors. I feel guilty for thinking this of you, but sometimes I just don't understand your intentions. Sometimes I feel like you get too caught up in your own world (as I'm sure we all do), that you don't realize that behind my smile and my support; there's something more. I know I need to start being honest with you, but I just haven't had the energy lately. I don't even know where I was going with this, and I don't really feel any better. ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- -------- In better news, On February 19, 2010........I get to marry my love, Robert William Hegarty. I feel so blessed to find someone that compliments me. He lets me be ME, and gives me my independence. He sees the best in me; even in my ugliest moments. I'm signing off....for now ps I've been sick for 4 days, so maybe this is all just the meds. HA
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bread crumbi've learned to count my blessings each day. i have hopes and dreams that have found a comfortable spot on the back burner, but that doesn't mean i'm not happy with where i am in life. rob and i have started to train for a 10k run that will be held in Rocky Point. he has always been into triathlons and such, so this will be my first time training for something other than soccer. we are on the p90x band wagon, and lovin' it. trying to get in the best shape ever by may 13th. he won a trip to Puerto Vallarta from work, woo hoo. he never fails to amaze me. barely started with this company in november, and is already kicking ass and taking names. balls to walls. i look up to him in so many ways. his ambition, heart, and passion take my breath away. alltel has officially been bought by verizon. it's pretty exciting, but it also put a road block in my way. before it all went down, i was interested in transferring to the training department. i was looking forward to traveling a bit, having a better schedule, and not dealing with customer service. 3 years of people bitching about such trivial problems starts to get annoying after awhile. don't get me wrong, i am so thankful for my job....but the economy really took a toll. along with some other factors, my end result was 10k less from 2007. not the best thing to happen considering i bought a house. we've gotten through a rough patch, and things are looking up. and yeah, people can be so mean and it's all because their "phone don't work and is broke" haha anyway, my cousin is getting married in a few months and i am so happy for her. my first time as the maid of honor, yay ;) and monica recently got engaged a few months back. so so happy for her too. i just wish she was back in AZ, ugh. i miss her so so much. georgia can kiss my booty! riley turned 1 last week, and all of a sudden she has calmed down. haha. roxy is still a silly pup. i love my doggies and just wanna squeeze them anytime all the time. haha, i am obsessed. mmk, time to eat a snack before i run my booty off. oof
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Today is one of those days; lj day. woot woot. ;) I wish I could just freeze this moment. I am at home, lounging with my pup and listening to some rad music. My house is getting emptier and emptier by the day. Rob and I are buying a house and will be moved in by May 27th. I'm super dee duper excited! Our own house to paint, decorate, love any which way we want. Riley has a big ol backyard to run circles in. Next is marriage and babies right? Haha. Well, not for awhile anyway. So I've been kicking around a few ideas lately. I have had 2 people from my past contact me (via the internet and text) I had a bad falling out with the both of them (and it isn't the first time) Thus, my "people deserve a second chance" card has already been used as currency. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. I no longer hold a "grudge" or necessarily "dislike" these 2 people. BUT, I do not desire to reconcile a friendship that has been lost...and wasn't that great to begin with. My question is; do I reply? If so, what the heck do I even say? My gut feeling (which is 100% right; 90% of the time...haha) is to say nothing. This doesn't imply "hate" or "grudge", in my opinion. Especially knowing these 2 people. Once I show an ounce of forgiveness or an implication of rekindling something lost, I am expected to "meet for coffee" or "lunch" for so-called small talk and pretend like we are BFF allover again. No thanks. Just a waste of both of our times. I have kept the people in my life who have been there for me; through thick and thin. And that have never betrayed me (just as these 2 people have) I can forgive, but not forget :) I think I just answered my own question. Ooh, Rob bought me rockband for my birthday. Can't wait to break that in, it's gonna ruuuuule Until next time XOXO lex 
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yellowcard | |
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I can't believe how much I have really and truly grown up. I was faced with 2 drama-filled situations with 2 crazy girls and I took the mature way out. It was more fulfilling than I intitially though it would be. It's just a shame that 1 of the girls is best friends with one of my best friends (dont ask, kinda confusing). Just a shame. I have never seen a girl get jealous over another girl (in a non-sexual way, of course) It's super weird, and kind of annoying. Oh well, not my problem. I don't feel the need to tell every person what I think of them, it's just a waste of my time. Plus, that's what I have you for. :) I recently rekindled my friendship with Breanna. It's pretty crazy how much has happened in both of our lives. We went to lunch for 4 hours and updated eachother. She is getting married later this year and moving across the country soon. I feel bad that I held a grudge for so long and take fault for my actions. But, all you can do is move forward. I think it's amazing that Monica left everything she knew and moved to be with the love of her life. Bre is doing the same thing. Will I be faced with the same choice? haha jk. Just a crazy thought. I had my wisdom teeth pulled out a few days ago. It's pretty sucky, but it shows you who your real friends are. Rob has been nothing short of incredible when it came down to taking care of me. Shan came to visit and so did my mom. Hopefully I can get outta the house later today or tomorrow. This was a random post. I'm pretty doped up on pain killers, so i choose to use that as my excuse. hehehe i wanna paint later today peace and love lexxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Anberlin | |
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It's been quite awhile since I have used this dusty, ol' thing. I'm pretty sure the norm is to vent, and write (type) about the troubles and the sorrow in one's life. I want to go against the tide and document it all. Good and bad. Happy or sad. I want to remember every morsel.
A chameleon of a year. So much has changed as of last January. I found the man I will marry, and I am the luckiest girl across this universe. Rob has shown me how to love and how one deserves to be loved. I applaud him for breaking down the wall I took so much effort in building up. Higher and higher. I secretly wished someone worth having my heart, would tear it down. Stubborness would have never let me admit it to myself, much less a boy! But, whaddaya know...it happened. As Bradley said, "someone finally tamed the wild beast" Haha. But really, it had been a solid 3 years since I had used the word "boyfriend". There was the non-boyfriend boyfriends. Ha! I know this will not be the first or last time I talk about my wonderful love.
This year has been a memorable one. Hellos, goodbyes, and see you soons. I lost one of most important people in my life. My beloved Nana. It's difficult to put into words how devastated I was, yet relieved. She is finally reunited with the love of her life. They rest happily, together. I dream of her often, just like I did when my Tata died. Rob made a slide show for her service, and it was one of the most amazing things he has done for me and my family.
Time to drop this bread crumb.
Til we meet again
Peace and Love |
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True colors have been formed before me. It's amazing to see how you get treated once selfishness sets into place. Once my efforts are withdrawn. Just another lesson to be learned, and with full embrace. I envy Shan for leaving everything she knows and starting anew. I'm just torn, and I can't explain it. The people that know me inside and out; I decide to push away. It's a contradiction of my previous statement, but makes complete sense to me. All I ever wanted was for you all to be happy. I've gotten what I wanted, but I'm not in the equation. This will pass, as it always does. In a sense, I feel relieved. I don't feel any more obligations. Please do the same. Kind of speechless, now. |
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Christmas will never be the same, and tears me a part. Plagued by the death of a loved one. 3 years ago this month, and I couldn't miss you more. I was your favorite little queen and if I've learned any kind of self worth; I owe it to you. I owe it to herMy Nana is losing her memory faster these days. Part of me is sad for her. But, a bigger part of me feels relief. She doesn't worry as much and seems much happier. Living on your own has it's perks. I'm enjoying my space and quality time alone. Work is time-consuming, of course. I'm stoked (as always) for cold weather. Bust out with my scarves and hats. Taylor wants us to get some uggs. Ha! I dunno bout all that. Monica is home. She makes me happy. I'm so lucky to have such lovely people in my life.
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 crushed |
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copeland_ | |
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Like a breathe of fresh air, I'm enjoying this new beginning. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me. My procrastination may have something to do with this. Gah, Christmas shopping. Every store/mall is packed with hungry shoppers. I'm always so drawn back. I don't know if it's the familiarity or a comfort zone. I'm sure it's both. I confuse myself more than I should. Hmmmmyeahhh No more voids.
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 apathetic |
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copeland | |
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tick tock
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accomplished | |
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I'm wide awake and my mind still races. I'm trying to construct these thoughts as best as I can. I'm thinking of conducting them and putting on a show for you. Self-doubt has got you by the tongue. Say what you feel, and stop lying to yourself. It's time for you to come to terms with why you are doing what you do. Or, do you even know? Frustration has gotten a hold of my emotions. I don't want another empty apology, or a promise of letting me down. It's far too late for those amenities. Time is precious, and you're oblivious to your actions. Once again, I stepped off of your rollercoaster, sweetheart. But this time, I'm just too dizzy to get back on. Call me stubborn, and I will applaud you. I'm looking to surround myself with positive, happy people. I can't help you anymore, I was never a good crutch to begin with. I can only hope that you can help yourself, girl. I don't want to be scared of dying. Or living, for that matter. I am happy with my life and how it is laid before me. Let's kiss and make up
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awake |
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Look at the hour, and though my eyes carry this weight upon them, my restlessness objects. I've been thinking, sir. I can't blame you for trying to fill in a void. Guilty as charged, says the caption. I cannot place judgement without self-reflection slapping me across the face. I am an expertise at taking things in and not having a plan. Or a blueprint of what will not become. let's quote some
Eternal Sunshine is amazing.
I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. I'm ready just to embrace. No more hesitant breathing. Just be. That's what I really want. When I said, "I hate what I've become"
I lied, I hated who I was
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theformat | |
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Third time is definitely the charm. Finally got to see The Spill Canvas on Tuesday. :::sigh::: amazing. Shan and I decided on a whim that we are going to date rock stars. Not just regular musicians (been there, done that) but, superawesome rock stars. Haha, just kidding. My friend from work says I should just find myself a sugar daddy (never been one that considered money one of my priorities). But, I'm pretty sure I can sell my way into a man's heart and let him buy me a vespa. and a Range Rover. Maybe a little condo on the beach? hahaha randomness is a good thing. This weekend is gonna be BAMB. Monica comes in tonight. Celebrating some birthdays. Going to E4 and owning some bitches. Being single is a wonderful kind of freedom. Stephanie and I are planning on breaking hearts and taking names. december 1st baby, I can't wait ;)
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excited |
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dc | |
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Everything in my life is just the way it is supposed to be. I'm confident in my decisions and embrace having these feelings. Self-doubt has been washed away from my shores. It's unreal how a few people can impact your view on life. Just certain aspects. I don't want to be constant. Confined in the world of comfort. Let's all just start over. No more judging and no more lies. I'm done holding my breath, and over wasting my time. rain makes me smile, so so much.
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 satisfied |
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johnmayer | |
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bread crumbThis terrible memory of mine embraces it. Can not believe it's already October. Oh my. My most favorite holiday is coming up. HALLOWEEEEEEEN. Still not sure what lies ahead of me, but I am going to make it so amazing. Meaningful conversations are just as important as the ones that don't have a point. It all depends on the person you're having it with.I once wrote this, and I feel just so deprived. I don't want a booty call. I don't want someone to cuddle with. Or to play games with. Sometimes, I just want a person with substance. I want to have a delightful, gratifying conversation. about nothing. about everything. about something. gah, anything. I miss simplicity in life. No more complications. No more confusion. Well, maybe just a little confusion. If there is comfort in it, I won't object. you were the best thing that didn't happen to me. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
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 grateful |
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brandnew_theboywhoblockedhisownshot | |
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Growing into a better person is learning how to accept change. Accepting may not be the ultimate answer. Possibly just adapting. I've come to believe I was never good at adaptation. Not the worse of my kind, I can assure you. Definitely room for improvement, though. People change, constantly. Who am I to judge if it's for the best or not? I should learn to focus on myself. Just let things be. Things should fall into place one way or the other. they have to. No more regrets. Just live a little. Love a little. To those who actually deserve it. If I could have one thing this very moment, I wish it would rain. I love the smell. I love the atmosphere. I still need new windshield wipers. |
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Hard to believe it's already September. My little brother is going to be 14. :/ eeeeeek It's been a year since Erika came back into my life, and I'm so happy to have my family around. My Nana is still "kickin" and I just want her to be happy. Sometimes, I think my priorities get jumbled. My vision is just a bit blurred. Let's face it; I don't really know what is best for me. But, does it matter? I think everyday will bring it's blessings and obstacles, and it's just life. It's sad that I choose to not be close with you. But girl, you are not you anymore. It's rather unfortunate. At times, heart breaking. If it makes you happy, do it. Even if you're sacrificing something else important to you, fine. I'll accept it. Never fails to make sense to me. It just makes me really sad. Monica has one more semester and I couldn't be any more excited.
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So stoked about Nip/Tuck. All the fun is ruined for me while I watch the 3rd season, but I enjoy quality time with you. Chey finally cut my hair, woo hoo. ((just a trim, don't worry)) As I sit here, completely in awe. I find comfort in my thoughts. Soon to be, words aloud. I know that this is something that needs to happen. Enough of this maze I have lost myself in. I keep running into previous tracks I thought I left long ago. I'm a big talker, you know. Easier said than done, I KNOW. This is beyond repair, for now. I can take this route. apprentice, where are you? just doing what's best for myself. as Matt would say: IMO. So for now, I'll keep believing your words.
Soon enough my strength will return... it's as clear as it has been. let's keep it that way. |
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I'm on the fence on whether I like Sundays or not. Haven't you ever heard me say I'm so weird on Sundays? Hehe. But, seriously. It's like another realm I decide to enter. Gah, I'm just freaking weird. Went to Flag this weekend. Definitely good time and I look forward to visiting more often. I think it's funny when people say "flippy cup". Pfffft, it is flip cup. Get it right. Hahaha. "shit's weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak". What up blood? Oh, and April and I got into a mean wrestling match. It was basically over Robert. I think we called it a truce. I'm thinking we may throw in some mud, next time. Anniversary with Alltel is coming up. No committment issues here, haha. Can't wait for my gold keychain. I basically rule. Looking at old pictures makes me wanna cut my haaaaaiiiirrrr. My self control can't break down now. Though, I am due for a trim. Some things are just better left unsaid. :X |
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Yes, let's. Summer is over and I can't say that it outbeat the last one. Kinda sad seeing as I turned 21 and all. Good times, though. Went to Vegas and had a pretty decent time. Can't wait to go with more than 1 of my closer friends. The group is slowly decreasing. I blame Adam(kidding, inside joke). But really, we are getting to be so much older. Some will be married (officially, ha) in the next year, I predict. Graduation from college, and new beginnings. Some stay constant, and don't change as much. I have grown to accept all of this. Time to focus on myself now. Working full time has made me feel more grown up than I ever wished any single aspect in my life could. Monica comes home in 2 days, and I couldn't be any happier. She is my bestest. Though she has been a million miles away, I'm glad I can count on her. Going to Flag to help her move this weekend. ROADTRIP! I'm making April drive with me; she is my fave roadtrip buddy. laundrytime maybe nap time later ;)
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determined | |
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Apparently, I suck at "lj-ing". Thanks duuuuuude. I prefer my personal journal over this superficial stuff. Man, we had some good times though. Things are forever changing. I am the same rollercoaster that I have been for the last 21 years of my life. I'm sticking to my guns, even though it can get discouraging at times. To think it hasn't even been a year and we seriously fight like we are married. You're more of a rollercoaster than I, sweetheart. Independence never tasted so sweet. The struggling steps towards a better person is well, easier than I thought. I have had chance for revenge and some sort of closure I thought I needed. I had it in me all along. You disgust me. Apathy, where are you? |
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